Life as I know it..

Maybe life is shards of glass and I am a hopeless wanderer looking for all the pieces to join together and try to make sense of what its about but all these shards have sharp edges and all I can fathom till now is that it hurts…
..but maybe one day, when I am done joining all the pieces together, would it seem beautiful,making this journey worth it.
-FZF

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Dare To Be!

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!” 
― Steve Maraboli

KBS

When I miss you, I remind myself that I had to let you go.

And it hurts but somehow theres a fullstop to that pain.

But what hurts worse is when every time the reality overwrites what I make myself believe.

The reality that you did not walk away. You did not go but infact I brutally pushed you away while you kept knocking and pleading to be let in.

Even though you were a cheat, your persistence to come back to me melted my heart.

I so wanted to welcome you with open arms.

But I was always reminded of what would overpower you. Your parents. Their love over mine. Like it had done before and you had left me.

When storms would arise where would you find the backbone to stand by me when you never even had one.

But most of all even if the tables turned, I never wanted to see you torn apart between your parents and me.

I tried my best to be liked by them but their ego that their only son choose me always made them despise me and over look any good within me. They loved you so much that they wanted your wife to be their own choice.

And I respected that. I could not take away their only son away from them just because I loved him. A mother’s love is greater than any other. Being with me would mean living in risks and fights and hopes that someday they would accept me. But what about the hurt your parents would go through because of you..

Time would pass but so would your parents ages. The way they gave all their life to you, I wanted you to give yours to them in whatever years they would live more.. They are old already so its obvious they wouldn’t have so much time..

But we are young..We can still walk on through so much more..

I know I never had the right to make such huge decisions for you but I know at the end of the day this alone would make you happy and peaceful because you too love them the most and I know it and I respect that.

I’m sorry I had to be so cruel and keep pushing you away like I didn’t care.

Even when you would send me pictures with tears in your eyes or on your cheeks, I would say stop this drama, thats just water. Although who would know better than me what those dilated pupils were saying..pleading….

It made me weep silently and broke me ever more..

And I indirectly aggrevated you to accept your parent’s choices further on.. I deliberately stepped over your ego as I knew you that well..

And one day finally you got married to someone else and just to hurt me the same you told me you got married on the 21st of April 2018, my birthday. You just could never imagine how much I already was broken.. how could you break me more… but yes you just stained all my future birthdays and kudos to you for planning such a revenge..

But I don’t blame you.

I know nomatter how much pain you would have or would be going through because of me, in the end it will be worth it when you would be at peace knowing you have made your parents happy.

Umm..thoughts

There are so many things that trigger painful memories, specially when most of your past consists of only pain.

Events and incidents I cannot talk to anyone about but only listen to my soul whisper those tears time and again to me.

I have come a long way now but I only wish I would have been more stronger back then.

I wish I could have fought back as a child even if it meant stepping towards my own death.

But I just wish I wouldn’t have let myself down then and have all these regrets and agonizing memories later on.

People find me so defensive and over sensitive but they never seem to think what made me like this.

Life has its soft and cruel ways of shaping us.

Time sometimes is as soothing as a mother’s touch and at other times it is like walking with your blistered feet over sharp rusted nails with no better option.

Memories act as classical conditioning to my future self and I just can’t seem to let go.

I have practiced self control, ways of dealing with depression and even martial arts just to feel safe within my own skin.

But I still feel scared and cornered at times.

I feel nothing is ever enough and some beast would come one day and nail me down brutally.

Put my finger into switch holes just because as a 6 year old I repeatedly turned the switch button on and off and was caught.

I guess when your soul has been hurt more than your body has, do you feel the way I feel today.

I often woke up from nightmares that usually were about these huge propellers that kept going on and on while slicing me within and I kept yelling for help but in vain and there was no end to it and no way out, I would never die in those dreams but the pain just wouldn’t end until I woke up scared, sweating and panting.

I never knew what those huge propellers were called back then so never could even open up to anyone about such weird dreams.

Today I conclude that those nightmares were just a summary of my days back then,the feelings, the hurt , the torture just somehow coming together and reminding me that there was no end.

But I believe if anyone was there for me, it was God and then my mother with all her love.

Even though I am all grown up now and past that phase, it all still keeps flashing through my mind time and again and never lets me be normal. Lol not that I’m abnormal but well I just never fit in. And the way my heart feels cornered and I often feel so insecure is something I cannot seem to come to terms with.

I don’t find any rhythm and rhyme to this life. I am just living on waiting for death.

You know when almost half your life is ruined in pain, you cannot seem to look ahead or hope anymore.

But I am looking for something I can hang on to that would make me wanna tell myself proudly someday that coming so far was really worth it.

Like crossing the oceans to find a fluffy little puppy waiting for you at the other end of the world, waiting just for you, to look after it.49621882_10156734495306422_8350419371302060032_n

Love comes ashore

Love comes as fast as the waves touching the shore..and then its a gradual process before its no more as the waves slowly go back..the shore is never the same as it was before..scattered and damp and vulnerable it now remains. I don’t know why they say love lasts forever although it just leaves its marks behind ..

11.01.2018

It’s 7.00 am and I’ve been up all night or to be more specific, since midnight.

This is the first time I am writing about her anywhere as I felt speaking about something so darn personal to anyone or anywhere would mean shaming my own self, letting my own blood down. But I am sinking bad today and its about time I let it out.

Its her birthday today. My sister’s birthday. Marium’s birthday.

2017 was the last time we celebrated it together or should I rather say, enforced a celebration on her? and then she got married the same year to the love of her life and turned her back on us.

Tears never dry when your loved one knows exactly where to pull at your strings and when to suddenly cut them and then repeat it all over again just because they know you so well to be able to do it while you know what exactly they are doing to you.

I miss my sister. I miss her so much. My one and only sister and also elder to me.

Since 12 last night, I have been in quite a fraught, holding back tears and trying to divert my mind with random Netflix series. But its 7 now and my mind hasn’t seemed to drift away even for a second.

All I could do is text her a Happy Birthday message as she doesn’t even take my calls no matter the excuses she makes later and even the text gets a seen status ages later.

 

And when she has some benefit from us, she is all in charming us with her innocence drama and then kicks us away once done.

The thing I hate most, is seeing how hurt my dad often is, all credit to her.

She was his pride. His  favourite. And the only doctor among his children.

Its sad she isn’t even grateful for all he has done for her.

 

It shatters me how she can just turn away from us.

How insignificant she can make us feel, all in all her loved ones, her family.

 

And if this was to happen, why did Allah give me only one sister.