Feeling very low

Je mai tenu bahar dhundaa..

Te mere andar kon samayaa..

Je mai tenu andar dhundaa..

Ae bahir kis de mayaa..

Andar tu ae..

Bahir tu ae..

Wekhaan har thaan tera sayaa..

Mai bhi tu ae..

Te tu bhi tu ae..

Ratta fark nazar na aya..

Log chirag jalatay ghee k..

Mene dil ka deep jalaya..

Log hen khatay kasm wafa k..

Mai zeher hijar da khayaa..

Log gawanday dil ishkay mai..

Mene apna aap gawayaa..

Phir bhi mera kuj na haye..

Mere sohne yaar ko bhayaa..

Je mai nadya ta tu paani

Mai ta bin tere sukh jana

Je tu pani ta mai pyasi..

Mai ta bin tere muk janaa..

I tried so hard and got so far..

But in the end it doesn’t even matter…

I had to fall to lose it all..

But in the end..it doesnt even matter.

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Love

Dear Ungrateful,

Although I can address you in many ways like betrayer, cheat, greedy,liar ..

But for now, I will just stick with ungrateful and not be judgmental otherwise.

Do you realize to love and be loved is precious? That love is the feeling many crave for?

I have loved you so deeply, so purely, with all my heart and soul that now for me the word love has just lost its meaning.

It is like I have put in so much of my heart and my soul like wringing out both to squeeze out every ounce of emotion, of love that I could over you, to give color to the word “LOVE”.

For you more than for us.

And now all I feel is emptiness within me.

And the word love, I don’t even know what it can mean now as its so overrated and overused and faded into an essence past.

I am not complaining my dear, I just feel when someone scrapes their whole out for you, the least you can do is be grateful and not walk by like it was something bound to happen.

Not walk by like it was just a soda can that you drank, crumpled the empty can and flung it away. 

Not walk past by that can you just threw away only because you had your heart on a new flavor.

Fuck.

I couldn’t have felt emptier.

I don’t hate you, but yes I will forever be disgusted and even you ghosts will feel how thoroughly disgusted I am and will make you throw up whenever you lean in to kiss her.

 

Not Yours

Sincerely

The empty can of Love.

Wave

Sometimes you miss someone so often and so much that you start doubting yourself what missing someone even means..it just starts to feel so numb and the air around starts to pierce through your skin making it even harder. Yes its the changing weather, but its pain, agony that makes your skin crack and your heart swell and beat harder urging you to thump at your chest..thump hard and make it stop.

Biting away even the bits of skin under your nails till it hurts and often bleeds, you desperately try to bite away your frustration, numbness, pain from your soul but it doesn’t help and you don’t even realize why you’re doing it. Agitated but unaware you cut off from your people and the world. They think you are simply rude and arrogant but no one really cares to look deeper. No one even has that sort of time.

You install stupid ass games in your cellphone to divert your mind and random thoughts and it helps to some extent but bores you eventually.

No matter how much you try to keep busy, keep taking loads of new work, irrelavant and shit, you still know that you’re just trying to run away from your own heart, your own mind and though you love yourself a lot, you are fed up of yourself at the same time.

You understand everyone around you.

You see through people.

But when it comes to you, you’re simply lost about yourself and that’s what bothers you the most.

Sometimes it feels your soul flew away with him as he walked away from you, ahead of you just to hold ‘her’ hand while you broke down.

You can’t blame only him for betraying you.

Your soul did, too.

Time, a bandaid?

They say time heals all wounds..
I disagree.
I believe time just deepens the wound into our existence.. engraves and embosses it into our soul .. a ‘scar’ is what we call it ..with time we just get used to it and that’s why it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to..we finally accept it as a part of us and move on with the pain within.
Pain never leaves.
It is just shadowed behind painful memories.
And scars, they are our trophies, reminding us of how strong we have been and how far we have come.
And time, it just helplessly goes on ..and on..

I don’t know why life is so meaningless sometimes.

Or am I simply ungrateful.

I don’t think so.

I don’t know what’s thw meaning of happiness maybe which is why I cannot find it in anything and everything I may do.

Life is so aimless.

Its like I’m living on just for the sake of it.

Only if I had a choice, I would stop breathing.

Only if it were not the big sin it is.

Suicide.

Nah noo naaah I’m not sad I’m not depressed.

I just cant seem to find any logic in going on uselessly, earning and eating and flushing it down the drain then eating again, wearing stupid clothes..leave alone following trends and fashion which I never do.. whats the meaning of it all…travelling and then coming back home.. momentary smiles..memories that can be just looked back upon, damn my imagination is much better.. tv bores me.. everything bores me..

But hey wait..I remember something I found peace in..i.e swimming… the times I would lie on my back in the water with mt arms crossed under my head..for a second I would balance myself n then with eyes closed just relax….gawwwwd I havent felt better doing else.. that peace.. it felt like I’m letting life take me wherever it wants..and when I used to open my eyes, I used to find myself in some random part of the pool.. I can’t describe the feeling but I loved it.. I don’t get time to go swimming with the hectic schedule now..maybe thats what my soul craves…maybe thats my safe haven..

Life. Living.Breathing.

Useless.

I don’t even know what meaning I want from it.

From this life. From everything I do.

Whatever.

I’m so lost.

I hate the fact that I think so deep that I want rationale and shit in everything.

That I see through people and resume to my own shell.

I hate being this way sometimes.

I feel abnormal and not being able to enjoy things for just as they are for once.

Laugh without realizing at the same moment that this laughter is also temporary and meaningless and then have my smile fade away.

And when I try to get away from my own mind..my own thought processes, I find myself staring into blank space.

I sometimes feel maybe I don’t have any soul..but I know I do.. damn see what I mean?

Blueberry, the Angry Budgie

The cutest thing that touched my heart today is my little budgie.

He was being such a nuisance since many days, injuring the other budgies unnecessarily.

Today he made another budgie’s eye bleed and that was totally the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I took him out and being too angry, I just let him out in the balcony so that he just flies to his fate on his own.

But guess what.. he just didn’t want to go. I had closed the sliding door of the balcony behind him and he just flew into it and crash!

So he realized he couldn’t get through so he just sat there staring inside.

Lol I couldn’t help being amazed at him not wanting to fly free, like parrots do if even by mistake you have them out or leave the cage door open.

So after like half an hour, I opened the door and he just sad there, still staring inside.

I decided to let him decide for his own..and after a good 10-15 minutes of being in a thinking sort of pose, he flew in and sat on the fridge lol.

I let the cage door open and put some seeds inside.. after a bit, he returned to his cage to his buddies and since then hasn’t been aggressive as yet.

Lets see what happens.

But for a budgie who is so adorable and just doesn’t want to go, I will surely get another cage and keep him separate if he gets aggressive with the others next time.

How cute, he could’ve flown free but he chose to return to me and to his cage instead.

Education for our girls

Although the first thing I noticed was that it’s a child riding the bike.. but then what touched my heart is the determination to go to school and finally a family that ‘allowed them to go on their own if any other way wasn’t possible.

It’s great to see progress but by bit..It’s just a cycle they are riding so I guess that’s not a problem but I just wish them a safe ride everyday.