The world buzzes around me while I sit here and dwell within my numbness. It is 4:00 pm and I’m sitting here at work absorbing the chatter around me more like the buzz of bumblebees over sweet nectar. I wish to get out but this intoxicating pleasure of being in my own numb mind does not let me. It is like I’m constantly doped on my own euphoria. I remember the time I smoked heavily just to try escaping my thoughts even though I had never smoked before. Seeing some friends around me find solace in ciggerettes, made me try em too. But honestly, honestly speaking I found no calm within that shit. I concluded that maybe I wasn’t being as proficient so tried harder and smoked more and more to the point that I started feeling dizzy. At that point I just went to bed and when I woke up, I was like what the heck, was this the ‘Calm’ people find in smoking? Obviously I wouldn’t wanna try weed coz I never wanna depend on anyone or anything.Never smoked after that but out of my experience, I can say for sure that the natural numbness my mind feels now from being anti social is aaaah just ahmazing..wish I could distribute it to people lol … makes me want to seclude myself and just exist within my own space but no I have to function in this darned world because I exist in it. Brrr
I feel like I’m dying a little bit more inside each day I wake up.
More like decaying within me.
Maybe I got a scarab working its way in me.
What I really need right now to feel alive is a long cuddly hug to feel someone else’s heart beat close to mine and maybe through it feel some energy ignite within me. Sadly, I don’t want anyone to cling to me coz I’m a free gypsie kinda spirit. Wandering wandering n shit.
But who cares I will bounce back to this state of utter i don’t give a fuck the very next day.
My soul keeps searching for someone who does not even exist.
My soul yearns and waits but in vain.
I used to keep telling myself Fatima just one more day.. just another day please…. but the day I waited for never came Fatima. What the fuck Fatima I fucking believed in you.
My life has been a waste.
I wish I was an orphan (sorry God) .. atleast I wouldn’t have anyone give a damn about me then and would go bury myself alive because I don’t wanna commit suicide.