Wounds

Some wounds never heal no matter what you do.

Life goes on but its all a standstill where you struggle to breathe as if theres a bitter pill hard to swallow stuck in your throat.

Sometimes all the present reminds you is of your past.. and the repetition hardly lets you be in peace.

Numb~Come Kill me now

The world buzzes around me while I sit here and dwell within my numbness. It is 4:00 pm and I’m sitting here at work absorbing the chatter around me more like the buzz of bumblebees over sweet nectar. I wish to get out but this intoxicating pleasure of being in my own numb mind does not let me. It is like I’m constantly doped on my own euphoria. I remember the time I smoked heavily just to try escaping my thoughts even though I had never smoked before. Seeing some friends around me find solace in ciggerettes, made me try em too. But honestly, honestly speaking I found no calm within that shit. I concluded that maybe I wasn’t being as proficient so tried harder and smoked more and more to the point that I started feeling dizzy. At that point I just went to bed and when I woke up, I was like what the heck, was this the ‘Calm’ people find in smoking? Obviously I wouldn’t wanna try weed coz I never wanna depend on anyone or anything.Never smoked after that but out of my experience, I can say for sure that the natural numbness my mind feels now from being anti social is aaaah just ahmazing..wish I could distribute it to people lol … makes me want to seclude myself and just exist within my own space but no I have to function in this darned world because I exist in it. Brrr

.

I feel like I’m dying a little bit more inside each day I wake up.

More like decaying within me.

Maybe I got a scarab working its way in me.

What I really need right now to feel alive is a long cuddly hug to feel someone else’s heart beat close to mine and maybe through it feel some energy ignite within me. Sadly, I don’t want anyone to cling to me coz I’m a free gypsie kinda spirit. Wandering wandering n shit.

But who cares I will bounce back to this state of utter i don’t give a fuck the very next day.

My soul keeps searching for someone who does not even exist.

My soul yearns and waits but in vain.

I used to keep telling myself Fatima just one more day.. just another day please…. but the day I waited for never came Fatima. What the fuck Fatima I fucking believed in you.

My life has been a waste.

I wish I was an orphan (sorry God) .. atleast I wouldn’t have anyone give a damn about me then and would go bury myself alive because I don’t wanna commit suicide.

The Storms of Life

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

In his face, I only saw my grave

While talking to someone, have you ever felt like ‘This is the place I died’ kinda emotion?

This person whom hurt you endlessly once upon a time seems more like your grave now?

You still care and give them your support when they need it but don’t feel at all emotional at stuff u shud be feeling for..

Its more like talking to the dead..

I don’t know how to explain but its like reminiscing your death and your life before that although it doesn’t affect you any longer.

You feel so fucking numb. So cold.

And they ask for forgiveness repeatedly but how can you make them understand that you dont need their apologies.

You only want to be alive again but in vain.

That time wasted, those murdered hopes and dreams, that full of life heart.. you want all of that back if only.. but because that is impossible,

Fuck your sorries.

-_-

I wish I could just disappear

Funny situation.

This person whom I liked a while ago but never told him likes me now.

But I like someone else now.

Should I go with both?

I’m thinking how wonderful it will be to cheat on both of them.

But nah, I like myself forever alone.

So none, yeah.

Reckless Shit

Valentines day

What being single makes you do.. but I am actually happy..though I am never happy anyways in general, ah life..but Im that just for the sake of it wala happy.. actually I’ve been looking forward to death since some time now and I felt this was a good way to thank God for letting me die finally..soon inshaAllah.. and yeah my organs r fuking healthy so people r gonna love them inside them..

Tainshun

Ek tou I haven’t been able to complete some projects on time and then I have the audacity to tell my clients not to take tension because tensions don’t solve your problems…. Gawd I feel so shit about myself right now. this is not me. I am very punctual. I am literally hating myself for this. I need a hug though, a long one.. cuddles aah.. but damn no luck 😛 prolly coz I don’t shower everyday haina?

Fuck Love